always inside of me

Oh, guess what guess what? I had a birthday here, in Canada. How nice (: It was my 14th birthday, to be exact.

Nyeh. This is the cake. It was free (: With a scoop of ice-cream ! I love.

And well, now everyone is thinking how come I celebrated my birthday 2 months after my real birthday. Well, you are right, to think that my birthday was on the 15th of September.

So, my cousin takes us out to dinner at this place called Red Lobster and they offer free birthday cake on your birthday. After food, my brother shouts out 'Happy Birthday' to me and starts asking me how I enjoyed my birthday dinner in a loud voice, so the waiter can hear.

Then comes along our waitress and my uncle tells them it's my birthday. Minutes later, waiters are singing 'Happy Birthday' to the actually-not birthday girl. YAY.

It was stupid, and my family dared to snap a picture with me and the singers. It was so embarrassing. One of the waiters asked to send him the picture and another apologized to me because they did not get me a present. That was downright embarrassing. I think I became red, and as soon as we left the restaurant, I shouted at everyone.

The cake was good, by the way (:

It was a stupid thing to do, but hey, why not? Free, take the chance !

broken strings

Yay yay, I finally am getting pictures up (:

Here comes my favourite cousin, on Christmas day, with a pot lid in one hand and a woden spatula in another. That pink thing, it's me.

And here's my bully, that thought the pot lid hitting thing was fun so here he goes, hitting the lid in my ear and me, forced out of bed.

Like the pan was not enough, my blanket got stolen together with my pillow. The pillow next lands on my head, and I shout for everyone to not bug me. Too bad it did not work because they only left me when I got up and headed for the toilet. Ah, Christmas morning was a little different.

Here's over in Lake Louise, with my lovely siblings. I love the view, it's so awesome.

Mind not the fact that my sister and me looks fat, we wanted to keep warm on the mountains (:

Can I say my favourite uncle? He is my mum's cousin and owns the biggest DSLR ever. Well, DSLR's are same sizes but he has huge lens for the camera. SO aweome (:

I used it once, my pictures turned out great (: It was the second time I saw him and I already knew he had a DSLR then. Actually, I already planned to steal it from him that day. The camera is why he's my favourite uncle !
HUGE, I know (:

And yeah, here's the pictures (:

you do it for love, love

Meet darling Ciarra (: Is she not a cutie? I LOVE her. She is allergic to a whole bundle of things and she's obsessed with her baby brother Isaiah. Now, where can you find siblings that are a fan of their own siblings?

3 words, for you

Yes, yes. I'm suppose to update with pictures. Bad me. I don't have much time, and when I find time to sit down and download the pictures and all, I'll blog. Sorry people (:

On the other hand, guess what I got for Christmas ?


I don't want to say it's the best present, because it's not, really. An eight gigabyte iPod nano is what everyone wants. I'm just happy I got it. Honestly, I love the backpack I received more. Even the wall calendar that has the cutest girls and quotes every month. I won't give away my iPod, though. heh. It's so pretty , in the nicest pink ever. (:

broken clouds

Whoops, I know I have not been updating. I have been packed with activities and well, too much, I must say. My bedtime is now at 11 pm, instead of early mornings 3 am. In payment for that, I get waken up at 9.30 am.

So, there was Christmas day. Yay yay. My aunt had a party on the eve of Christmas and it lasted until Christmas about 1 am. I slept at 2 am, and well, my cousin had a fabulous idea, that is, to wake me up at 9 am. Too bad he only got up at 9.15 am. It did not stop him though. He came to my room, 9.30 am, bringing in a pot lid and a wooden spoon. You must have guessed what he did by now. He hit on the pot lid to wake me up. Why? So that he can open presents. If he were 12, maybe I would get it. No kidding, he's 20. UGH, hate him, but he's my favourite cousin because he bought me a pair of Aldo shoes :D

Boxing day. It's nothing back in Malaysia, not as big as Canada. Everyone is out to shop on boxing day. Prices are slashed half price from normal, some, more than half. I really was not up to it that day. My feet chose that day to hurt, and my knee gave me a wee bit problem for awhile too. Next, I was still cranky from waking up at 9.30 am again. So, I walked passed this shop called Lululemon. It's a shop that specializes in sports attire - sweat pants, sports bra's and hoodies on the go. I must say, the sweat pants feels so comfortable. A lot of people wears them, it's a big brand. Lots of people uses the hoodies too. But, it cost up to $ 90 + for a pair of sweat pants. It's worth it, if I were to live in Canada, I guess. But if I have to multiply three to that price, it's totally overpriced. So, out of curiosity, I wanted to check out how much sweat pants were during boxing day. There was a long line, queuing up to get into the store right by the door. I walked off, obviously.

And, there was another brand name shop called Aritzia. Pretty hoodies, they specialize in hoodies. Also wanting to check out the prices, I walked over to the store. The line outside the store blocked up two other stores. Guess what I did?

That was boxing day. We spent the whole day shopping, how fun ! (:

Then, today, well, yesterday, technically. It's Li Hui's birthday ! I'll put up a nicer post tomorrow or something. Anyway. I went up to the mountains. To this place called Lake Louise. I got woken up at about 9.30 am, again, by the way. It was a long ride, I can say, and my plan was to sleep in the car. I got put to my so-called Canadian God-father's car with my siblings. He's probably 50 + at age and he listens to our music. What I mean is, Linkin Park, Maroon 5, Plain White T's and Daughtry. Well, everything else on the radio. He blasted the radio all the way up, making it hard to sleep. I was, liking the music anyway. We heard a few songs up to three times. So, Lake Louise was beautiful. No pictures today, folks. Soon, though. But the mountains, all I can say is, it's something you see on postcards. Really really an awesome view. Next, we drove up a little to Banff, a little town. We had lunch and visited a few small shops until we were too cold. Awesome, we headed down back home after that.

So far, let's just say I'm having fun.

I have gotten news that I've been put into the first class in school next year. Excited? Not really. Scared? Not at all. What then? I wonder too. It feels really weird, that's all. Not that I do not want to be there, I do. It just somehow feels odd.

There, this is to make my blog look alive a little. I haven't much time to update these past days. But I will soon, really !

forever in doubt

We know that it's frustrating and that you're annoyed. But, you do not know that you are not the only one that can get frustrated.
I had a lifetime freedom before all this and I was happy, for a month. It's not that I do not love you. I really do love you.
Thing is, talking to you is not comfortable. You make me spit out things that I have promised to shut up about. You make me feel guilty all the time, you make me come back to you, always apologizing. I have realized that all this, it's not my fault at all. I put up with it, so that, you, YOU can be happy. That's all I ever try to do. Make others happy. If I have to suffer for all this, so be it. As long as everyone else is happy. Well,lets just say, I want to be happy now. It's my turn, don't you think so?

It's time to let go.

I need my own freedom, my own space. I'm growing up and it is this time of my age that I will think that I know everything. I know I don't. As a teenager, we would want time alone. It is this time of our life that we discover new things, that we are on the journey to adulthood. I want some freedom, just a little.
I want the times that you choking me for the latest thing my friends and siblings up to to stop. I want everyone happy, including myself. I'm not being self-centered and selfish, but I think it's time I gave myself a little time. It's time I gave myself some joy.
Arguing and having depressing chats is not going to work. We all feel frustrated too, not only you. We always are thinking about you, but you push us off and tell us that we only think about ourselves. You were not the only one scarred by daddy's moving on. We were too, and we're healing our wounds. We need space and time.
I just do not have any guts to tell you about this, because, it'll hurt you. Why bother, then?

thoughts read unspoken

It's the 20th of December. I did not realize that until late tonight. Christmas is in a few days. I have not finished my Christmas shopping.

This year, the whole plan was, to share presents with my sister to give out. Just to make Christmas shopping easier for each of us. She bought a lots of things, to bring over to Canada. Unfortunately, those things were put in a file and were accidentally left in the airport when my mum and sister were stressed up about the repacking.


So here, I've still got a few things to buy, thing is, I do not know what to get. Honestly, the price don't worry me so much, but for some people, it does.


I know, for the past few days, this blog was not updated. Usually, it's updated a few times a day. I'm online 24/7. Too bad now. My sister is here and I have to share the laptop. No more 24/7 online (:


Michy, I miss you a whole bunch too ): I won't forget your souvenirs, don't worry. HAHA. I'm guessing you already got your DSLR and you did not tell me ): I'm gonna steal it when I get home ! :D

my heart won't let you go

I miss my dad. And I'm pretty sure a whole lot of people do as well. Somehow, I know, and everyone knows, that my dad had touched so many people's lives. He left a scar on everyone hearts when he left.

So, as Christmas approaches, I remember my dad again. In no time, it will be his birthday too. It's been a year already and here it's the second time we're all spending Christmas without him. All I can say is, my dad was meant to live on a year longer.

I merely remember my last year in primary school. It happened to be the school's 25th anniversary. I participated in a Chinese dance, to perform on the night of the dinner. After long practices, I realized that, the date of the dinner was on the 13th of November, my grandfather's birthday. It was not my fault that I could not make it, the school had changed the dates at the very last minute. The teacher, my dance teacher, did not allow me to quit the team as they did not have enough time to find a replacement. Somehow, my mother managed to pull me out, and entirely, I was really upset. I wanted to be in the dance, but for the family, for my grandfather, I had to stop. My mother had explained to my teacher about my dad's illness and told her that it possibly was the last time that we would all be able to have a birthday dinner for my grandfather as a family. The teacher excused me immediately.

The very next year, on the 13th of November was the last time I talked to my dad. I remember our conversation had not been long and if I could reverse time, I would have, sat by the doorway or anything, just to talk to him and having him to reply me.

So we did get to spend my grandfather's birthday as a family, just not on the exact date. The demise of my dad tore every one's hearts, mine included.

For days, I tried to keep close to my mum, knowing that she was heartbroken to the core and while she had to deal a number of things, she really did not want to do all that.

During those days, my sister was having her SPM, the biggest test ever for graduates of high school. Everyone was worried for her. My godmother, being a headmistress of a high school, was the first to take her away and talk to her. She had told my sister that she could skip the tests and make it look like she was absent. My sister was strong, I really believe that, she went through to finish all her exams. Her results, had enough credit to let her follow up her studies.

My sister graduated from her course last week. It was a big milestone in her life, and my mother took the day off just to be there to see my sister. My dad couldn't be there, and he won't be there for the bigger steps in our lives.


I know my sister was happy, and my mum had to be really proud to see my sister up there. I wish I could have been there too. But look, they look happy. In their hearts, it must have scarred them a little that my dad was not there.

During my dad's birthday this year, we visited him. Later, we went on to Secret Recipe, and my mum bought the three of us each a piece of cake, to celebrate my dad's birthday. Ironic, I know. But as a memory.



I know that my mum really miss him. Imagine having the other half of you taken away from you. She found the love of her life, and even before she get to live her life to the fullest, she lost her other half. She lost her hope, joy and support. She lost her love of her life.

I don't blame God for all this, because I know that everything happens for a reason. I do not know what is the exact reason that God took my dad away, but as my life goes on, I will find out and if God had not taken my dad away, all that will not happen. HE has a plan, and it is for our good. HIS plans for us are not to harm us.

As my dad has said a million times before, when he was at the edge, he told us to grieve, but grieve for awhile. We have lives to live on and all this, should not affect us.

I believe that my brother has grown over this time. Not just physically, but mentally and spiritually. He has learned that he is now, the protector of us all, as he is the man of the house. I know my brother did not like the fact that everyone kept telling him the same thing again at one point, but sooner or later, it hit him and he now constantly looks after all of us.

Now, my whole family will be in Canada in no time. We'll be celebrating, yet another Christmas without my dad. I know that my mum needed a break last year, so as a family, we went to Singapore. We visited Singapore and met up with my aunt. This year, we needed a family too, and all of us have been called to come down to Canada, to be with my mum's family, her other two sisters and my cousins. It's been awhile since we saw them all, and it's a good reunion.

We just need my dad to make it complete.

Even without you daddy, we'll be celebrating Christmas. It's not about the trees, it's about Jesus' birth. You've told us that plenty of times, and I do not intend to forget it.

As a tradition, every family puts up a tree for Christmas. My dad did not like it because it distracts us from the true meaning of Christmas. It's been a very long while that we've ever put up a tree. When my family moved in to a new house, we threw the tree away.

When I arrived in Canada, I helped my aunt set up her Christmas tree. It was different and it reminded me that Christmas trees do not mean a thing during Christmas.

It was one tough year for me, I had to struggle to get back on track, to set my priorities right. I needed to brush up my studies, I needed to look forward. I made through. And I'm happy I did.

My mum has always said that my dad will be in each of our hearts, that my dad has never left our hearts. He is still here, and he will always be here. I've written letters to my dad, knowing it won't reach him, but knowing that he was reading it over my shoulder as I wrote them.

Recently, just before leaving for Canada, I visited my dad together with my aunt and uncle. My eyes caught a sight of three small mushrooms blooming right on top of where my father lay.

I could not help but voice out what I had just saw. My mum told me that those mushrooms represent us three children, May, Peter and Serena. Ironic, I know. But thinking about it, it's somehow pretty cool that only three mushrooms grew, not one or two. On other lands, there were no mushrooms. Just this one, where my dad was.

This Christmas season, I'll be remembering my dad, together with a whole lot of other people that has not seen my dad for a long time. So they happen to be my mum's family and relatives, but it didn't matter, my dad touched every one's heart. From the lowest of the people, to the highest. In the hospital, he was friends with everyone, not just another patient. The doctors, the nurses and even the maids. They looked at him in a different way. I could not believe the number of people my dad had made a reason in their lives. No one will forget him, I really hope so. I know I won't be forgetting him throughout my whole life.

I miss you, daddy.

love is hard

Do you know James Morrison? This is him, James Morrison.

If it might help you realize who it is, his brand new single is playing over the radios now, 'You Make It Real.' Oh yeah, it is pretty old, have been playing for a few months already.

Right now, you can say he is my favourite artist, next to Nick Jonas of course (:

James Morrison sings soul and when he sings, I practically swoon over his voice and the melody. He's unique and really good. The lyrics are beyond words.

The first song I've ever heard him sing was, 'Pieces Don't Fit Anymore'. Since then, I've fallen head over heels for James Morrison's voice. You will too (:

I have this dream, right inside of me

My mum and sister is on the way to Canada ! I'm really excited, actually. I haven't seen them in a month and I miss them a lot.

Well, Miss Esther Khoo has a blog (: YAY ! She tagged 'all you YF people' and I am one of those 'YF people'. So here it goes.

Actually, I was just bored, so I decided to do this. heh.

1. What's your ambition?

My ambition. I was asked that last week and I said I don't know. Do not ask me why I said that, because most of you know that I want to be a writer someday. Somehow, I feel as if there's more than a writer that I could become, even though my love for writing. Right now, I guess there is still a part of me that wants to be a writer one day. Or at lest, write a book.

2. Who is more important to you? (boyfriend/girlfriend/friends)

Well, above all these people, I think family is the most important to me. It comes in second, after God, of course, but after that, it's my friends.
Sometimes, you cannot choose between your lover and best friends. It's hard. You want time with all of them, yet, you do not have all the time in the world, do you? My boyfriend will come before my friends, but that does not mean I won't be there for my friends either.

3. How often do you think of committing suicide?

Every single time exams come along. HAHA.
Nah, it's been a little hard for in the past year. Sometimes, maybe I would think that I'm better off dead. But at times like that, suicide never crosses my mind. If it is my time to die, God knows when to take me. If I'm not dead yet, it means I have a lot more to live for. It's important that I live that all up.

4. Do you think you have enough confidence?

It depends on what I'm confident with. Like, my studies is not something on top of my 'good job' list. Of course I'm not 100% confident with that. In other cases, like writing. Whenever I pick up my pen to write, I'm really confident in it. Especially when it comes to the exams. I know what I write will be good, and so I write. Probably in things that you're passionate in,that's when you have the confidence.

5. How many babies do you want?

I want two (: A girl and a boy. I want the oldest to be a boy, and the younger one a girl. It's so that my daughter have a guy to look up too and well, that theory sounds nicer to me. It has always been that way, don't ask me why.

6. Favourite perfume/fragrance?

Did you know that using perfume and deodorant can cause you cancer? Not to mention, it makes you smell even more. Right now, some of you are saying,
" No, it can't cause cancer ! "
Ask a doctor, it really is true. Deodorant, when rubbed under arms, as in, directly under your arms, actually helps prevents sweat. So, you know, no body odor. But hey,letting sweat out is good. It lets out all the bacteria from your body, that's why you sweat anyway. So if you apply deodorant, you clog up the sweat pores, basically, adding the amount of bacteria and yada yada yada, you get cancer. If you want to prevent body odor, drink lots of water, it really helps.
I'm no doctor, but here's part of my knowledge (:

7. What do you think will be your greatest downfall?

My lack of confidence in the things I do. Yeah, I just said I would have confidence in things I'm passionate about, but the others? It keeps me worried all the time.
I also tend to have the most impatient attitude ever. I can be patient, but not for long. I can sit down, and listen to you talk about your thoughts and problems, but on other topics, I get pretty edgy. When I know I'm having one of those days, it's those days that I will try to stay away from people. In other words, emo.

8. Do you believe in eternal love?

If it weren't for eternal love, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be here, doing this tag, living this far even. Eternal love is what keep you going. It doesn't have to always be love from a partner.

9. What's a perfect boyfriend/girlfriend like to you?

He has to have my beliefs, that's for sure. I'm setting that rule now, it will always be the first ever. He has to be able to understand me, love me for who I am, not for who he will make me one day. I want him to be there for me, just as much as I will be there for him. He should be able to make me feel special and confident with myself.

10. What are your bad habits?

Procrastination. It always happens. I like to wear a t-shirt once, hang it up, next day find out that I do not want to wear it and get a new tee. End of the day, I'll have lots of clothes behind the door (: I happen to sing aloud when I'm alone, making anyone who walks past my room think I'm weird. I'm not an awesome friend, because I try so hard. I want to be there for everyone, but in the end, be there for nobody. Other than that, I guess I just like eating chocolate (: heh.

11. Is there anything you want to tell the people who hate you?

I might personally know why you hate me, and personally don't either. But maybe I meant what I did and I'm sorry for it. I'm sure there is a reason why I did it, but at this moment, I can't think of anyone that hates me and why.

12. Do you cherish every friendship of yours?

I try really hard to. Because I really cherish every single one of my friends. Sometimes, I guess I loose my way and it may look like I do not appreciate my friends. But I really do, everyone one of them.

13. What do you hate most in others?

I hate the backstabbing. Because I try to be good all the time. I want to be myself and make everyone happy. Sometimes, it's hard to do that. I know they say that you can't please everyone. To tell you the truth, I've done that before. Which loads of effort. It can happen, just not all the time. I also hate last minute effects. If you want me to do something, you have to let me know before hand. I hate doing it all with the littlest time ever. I will still do it, most of the time, but yeah, I get cranky after that.

14. What do you crave for currently?

I'm craving for a lot of things now. MY sister and mother's presence as a start. I want my father here too, so that, with my brother and all, we can celebrate Christmas as a family. I want to lay my hands on the piano now, and play it again. I haven't touched it in awhile, and I just want to do what I think I can do. I'm craving for pizza. Good pizza. I want potato chips in salt and vinegar flavour. I want my sister to email me now, so that I know that my mum and her are fine.

15. What feature/quirks do you find totally sexy on a guy/girl?

How muscular he looks and how much his eyes glitter. How fair he is and how smooth the hair. The height and the built. Everything, practically. I judge by the way he is on the inside, not on the outside. Because outside appearances is not as important as how loving his heart is.

16. Describe the person who tagged you in 7 words.

Esther Khoo is my captain ball buddy.

17.What have you done to yourself to make yourself happy?

Shopping. Well, that really is courtesy of my aunt. I took dance class when I came to Canada. Now, that is my choice. I have also gotten myself a outrages amount of clothes. I did a hamper run, to give out food for the poor. I helped my aunt and cousins wrap their gifts (:

18. What will you become in another 10 years to come?

I'll be 24 by then. I guess I should be done with my studies and off to find work. Who knows what I will become? A teacher? Maybe a writer, like I wanted. Probably I'll have my own business and sell my homemade cookies. You don't know. I don't either. Maybe I'll be dead by then.

19. Whats your guilty pleasure? (something you usually wouldn't admit out loud)

hmm, I guess it's macking on spoonfuls of ice-cream when I'm sick with soar throat especially. Or when I'm having a cough and crave for something like that.

20. I tag:

YOU.
Jean Anne
Jasmine
Keith
Ivan

it's nine in the afternoon

Meet Mika. She's that white dog in the basket. She's my companion everyday when no one's at home. She's the princess in this house, but ever since I came, we've both been the princesses. It's just that I get to sit on the table and eat and she does not. I get to eat chocolates and grapes but she is not allowed. Dogs can't do chocolate and grapes, you know.

Trust me, Mika is not treated like a dog at all. The nearest to a dog that we call her is 'Woof'. Then, she's equally alike the other princess in the home. She gets a treat, I get a treat.

This is Sassy. She's uber cute. She weighs 5 pounds. No kidding. Don't mind my eyes, I do not know how they got to be so huge. She belongs to a friend and well, I fell in love with Sassy.

Now, what everyone is wondering is that you all thought I was scared of dogs. Now, they're like, my friends. That's true. I WAS scared. Coming to Canada, I had no choice but to be friends with them all. In this house, there was a dog. The other house, there was a dog. Another house, another dog. Basically, I had no choice.

It's not that I've really gotten over my fear, but I'm wiling to touch them, to pet them as long as they don't bite, I'm happy.

This is a random picture. But somehow, I find it funny. As in funny nice. See that box of granola bars in my hand? They are only the best granola bars ever. Quaker's Chocolate Chip flavour - NO NUTS ADDED. I eat them every time I'm hungry and I'm happy. I keep a box in my room now, can you believe that?

Anyway. In that picture, we were choosing shoes. That's my most favourite cousin ever, Ivan, and only because he was the one buying the shoes for me (: Aldo here, is the cheapest. I love them. So I picked a red ballet flats that will be delivered to the house one day. I don't know when, though. haha.

I haven't seen both my cousins in almost 15 years. 20 maybe, who knows? I was really young when I met them and I have a fuzzy memory about them. They are the only boys in the house and when I came here, I got bullied. It was bad. BAD. But for their sake, I put up with it. Why? I only see them once in 20 years, give them a chance ! Plus, they never had a sister before, right? Besides Mika, but not counting that.

They'll be here in less 2 days ! Well, 2 days here, one day in Malaysia. Canada's a day behind, you know. I can't wait (:

I won't rest until you're mine

My marble cake tastes SO good. HAHA. But it is the most deformed cake I have ever seen in my life.

give me one more chance to make it right

Do you like Marble Cake? I don't. Well, I don't fancy it, and I HATE baking it.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE baking. But this, this cake, is something I can never bake.

I don't know why, honestly. It's stupid. Every single time I attempt to make this cake, it will be a disaster. Like, seriously.

This time, my aunt bought the cake mix. Where all you got to do is throw in the flour and mix everything. Right now, the cake is in the oven sitting there. I so do not know what to do with it. It's partially cooked and has raised a million times than I think it's supposed to. Plus, the center of the cake consists of batter. Just the batter, it does not seem to be cooking. What am I going to do? I don't want to take it out again ):

Marble cake is by far, my biggest failure.

everything that's happening for me

I would not say Four Christmases is the movie that is oh-my-gosh-must-see-so-awesome-possum-best-movie-of-the-year-best-movie-ever. It was pretty good but not good enough to be watched a hundred and one times. It is just your ordinary movie, the kind that you already know what would happen.

This movie is about a couple. They're not married and they do not intend to, even though they have been together for three years. For those three years, this couple has lied to their family just to go off on a holiday together, each time during the Christmas season. Their flight got canceled in the show and they were stuck visiting their parents. On both sides of the family, the parents are divorced. After this they get to the I-do-not-want-to-talk-to-you part and then the I-love-you-again-and-want-you-back part. A typical love story.

But let's talk about the theater. It's different, so different. You are considered a child at age thirteen. My aunt bought me a child ticket, you know, just to get it cheaper. The cashier did not bother to ask. So I got in cheaper. Yay. Also, in the theater itself, there's no fixed seats for anyone. You could sit wherever you like. Not like Malaysian cinemas, row G, seat 12.

That is just part of it. If you get bored of the show, you could actually exit and go to another cinema to catch another movie. I like this policy. The entrance here, is the exit too. I did not do that, but yeah. I was told you can.

I still want to catch Twilight, and I want to watch it here, not back home. Because, it will be out of the movies by the time I get back anyway. Also, I heard the kissing scene was cut out ! I'm pretty sure it did not get cut here. But, because I know my cousin is SO against Twilight, I will not ask him to take me.

Confessions of A Shopaholic is coming out too ! You know, it's that book by Sophie Kinsella that was so popular at one time. She is just one of the best chick lit. author. I just hope the movie is just as good. It stars Isla Fisher as Becky Bloomwood, the main character. I do not even know who she is. Anyway. Yeah. That's it. HAHA.

AZFARAZWAN ! I'm waiting for my pizza !

way away

It's gone past midnight and I'm gonna go sleep in five.

First, I had a chat with my mum and sister a few hours ago. Apparently, my mum could not understand anything I said, but she did not tell me that. My sister on the other hand, said I have an accent.

I do not think so, honestly. And I was arguing with her about it for awhile. My aunt hosted a party today, at her house. A bunch of them came over and they commented that I do not have an accent. They, lived here almost half their lives and they have an accent to me.

Which in the end, makes it seem like I have an accent.

All I wanted to do was quit the Malaysian style of speaking. With the la here and there. You can say it's a habit, but it's good to quit it because basically, it's not English.

Plus, some people know how I could be a perfectionist when it comes to language. If you don't, well yeah, I am.

Being here for a month, I tried to to get Malaysian language in my way. Whenever I am with a relative it just goes off. I don't use it, like it's natural or whatever. But with my aunt, the Malaysian herself, she never quit using Malaysian language. She probably stayed here for about 15 years already. Around her, Malaysian language pops out again.

So maybe, by the time I go back, Malaysian language will be my thing again.

love me for who I am, and not for who I've been

A feeling hit Clara's heart as she read through more lyrics on Shane's blog. Every he posted lyrics, her heart dropped and it felt as if he were speaking right at her. As if the lyrics were written for her. At times she thought that it could not be, but in a blink of an eye, another song pops up and hits her again.

Clara and Shane were the sweetest ever. They were together for a year before they broke up. Months after that, they got back together again. She loved him and he loved her. They had so many plans and memories. Clara could not leave them. Two years later, Clara ended it. She could not bear the way Shane acted around her, like he did not know her apart from the endless conversations they always had online. She knew she did not love him anymore, the day she left him. She was certain not to ever go back into his arms.

Still, it hurt her when reading lyrics, when chatting to him. At times, Clara would have that urge to say 'I love you' to Shane while chatting. She does not love him, but out of the routine they always had. Clara had endless nights of thoughts, just about him, about how she feels for him and how she was treating him. Through it all, there was one answer : a friend.

Clara was not sure if Shane still loved her, and she, had no reason to ask him so. He has always been kind and sweet but not the type at showing his feelings out front. After their two years break up, Clara saw a change of attitude in Shane towards her. He was ever so supportive. Now, he just mocks her to her face and that cuts right through her.

Of all this, she knew that with or without him, she had to continue her life. She loved him once and not anymore. It did not matter to her if he still loves her, because then, she still would not want to be with him.

the people sing, hosanna

Serena wants some good pizza.

tryin' dress up when I'm missing you

Staying here for a month, I finally got into school. They made a fuss about it all, saying something about insurance and safety yada yada yada. Now, I got to see what it was like to school here. The principal was nice enough to let me in for a day. School here is only two floors high and just one block.

Of course, it was definitely awkward. SO awkward. I, at 14 years old, was walking with a 18 year old. I was suppose to be with a 16 year old guy but I don't know. The girl had a spare period so, I guess that's why I went with her.

Now, let's not talk about the people. The school is huge, I would probably get lost there. It's like everything you see on television. Long endless rows of lockers, halls, not corridors. A student changes classes after every period. The school has vending machines, everyone in the hallway is using their cell phones. It was unusual. The school is big, really big. Any newbie can get lost. Unlike my school, you'll just end up in the same place someway or another.

The school is big, so is the number of students. So big that everyone does not know everyone. Back home, we at least knew, this person is from school and that person is from class. At all times, there is people by the hallways. Walking around and hanging out. No one cares at all. You hardly see a teacher around too.

Discipline is a snap. Eat in class and the teacher won't bother. Eat in the hallway, no one cares. Kiss your girlfriend by the locker, it's so normal. Everyone is having cell phones and iPod's. Guys keep their hair as long as girls' does. Girls' dress unappealingly but it's like their lifestyle. It's nothing to them at all.

Everything is laid back. It's so mellow that I wonder if any of them ever score in their tests. The teacher doesn't give you crap when you sleep in class. Or when you're not paying attention. Overall, it's your choice. Listen, or no listen. Past the test, that's all they want.

See the difference? Discipline is everything in Malaysia. Hair in place, nails cut so short, no colours on them too. We wear white shoes and white socks that can hardly be seen. We can't walk around the school without passes. No entering toilet without taking off your shoes.

You can do Internet anytime here. Walk into the lab and flash your student ID. Sometimes, I wonder why we can't have that.

Other than the amusing hallways and lockers, you could say I was pretty much bored. I sat in a Grade 11 Chemistry class, for like, an hour or something. Yeah, I like Chemistry but I didn't understand anything, obviously. The girl I was going about with was really nice but I guess she was feeling awkward too. She didn't know me at all and suddenly, she was taking me around. Of course I didn't chatter about, I was feeling awkward. Her friends were even more awkward than us. Why? You tell me. This one girl kept looking at me like she was annoyed or something. I barely talked to her. At all ! And whoa, I get the glare. Her other friend was nice though.

Well, yeah. I had fun even though I wasn't actually looking forward to all this. I discarded the idea about attending school here when I couldn't get in with my cousin. But hey, it was worth the experience.

you kiss her but her eyes don't close

If I were to live in Canada all my life, the first thing I'll buy is a pair of fringed boots. Because, what use is a pair of boots in Malaysia? It's so hot and boots are not it. I don't know why some crazy people still wear them. Fashion statement, yeah, but hey, it's a little too hot, is it not? You have to be comfy too.

The second thing of the shelf will be a trench coat. Because again, I do not have a use for it in Malaysia. Too hot, honey.

Then, I'll grab those hoodies that I have fallen in love with throughout my stay here. The hoodies are irresistible, but sadly, I have to resist. They're thick, warm enough for a negative one day. I do not see the use as the air conditions can only go down to 16 degrees. That is pretty warm, now that I get negative ten here.

I also want those excessively cute flannel pajamas. I have a pair, but only because I was staying here for two months. They have monkey pajamas and little snowflakes. How cute is that?

Seeing that sweat pants or track pants fits me so perfectly well here, I'll have to buy some too. Not that I have not gone overboard with it, but yeah. It comes in handy. I especially want those three quarter pajamas that looks so comfy (:

Next, I'll run by the shops where teenagers shop, like Urban Planet to buy as many tank tops. Because they are so cute. And because stripes here has not been abused and classified as lala. I think, I'll actually buy those tank tops before heading home. They come in pretty handy !

Still, I'm not done yet. I want to buy a dress. A summer dress and a formal dress. Not that I don't have a formal dress, but yeah. Since I could not find my size in three lovely dresses today, living here would be an advantage.

I want a pair of Lulu Lemon's. They're sweat pants that are the most comfy thing ever. At least they feel comfy. But they cost $100 + each pair. So if I happen to think they are not comfy, no use throwing away money.

Pullover sweat shirts are a MUST.

To make my socks collection look like it's having some business, I should go out and buy more cute socks. Some are so irresistible, I already bought them.

You cannot forget how cheap ALDO shoes are here. So, I want to get a pair of heels. White ones and black ones. I've got red heels already. Everybody knows that.

Sunglasses are a MUST here. In Malaysia, sun is hot but it's not bright during the afternoon. You only get bright sun in the mornings. Here, the afternoon sun is unbearable for the eyes.

Lastly, handbags of course. They have really nice ones those won't do for Malaysia. So I left them at the store.

I will continue dance class here. I definitely will.

All this, I'm gonna dream about them tonight. It was fun posting this up.

santa baby, would you hurry down the chimney tonight?

While being skinny is what every girl wants to be, I have to complain about that. Well, maybe I'm not skinny, but I'm slim. Could be considered. Don't just think about dissing me, think about the truth. I am slim, not fat. Not obese either, thank you.

So yeah, sometimes being slim you can buy anything and look good in it or walk into a store and have something that fits. At times, I feel frustrated too. Times like now, that is. I went to a shop called Suzy something. I saw a red dress. A stunning red dress to go with my stunning gorgeous red shoes. Everyone has met my red shoes, right? Yeah. I loved the dress. So I grabbed the smallest size on the rack. A 'M'. It hung down from my body and I was thinking, fine. There's plenty of Suzy whatever around. All that, just to find out that the other outlet, has only 'M' on the rack. Lucky me.

Today, I did more shopping. This time, I come home empty handed. Usually, I'll have something. SOMETHING. This time, nothing. I'm not counting the two tanks tops I got, though. I tried on three dresses. All equally nice, equally cute. None of them fit. How many on the rack? One. The sizes were 6 and 8. I did not expect to fit them, but when I got nearer the fitting room, I got more excited. Just to find out that the dresses are too big.

So see, sometimes being slim or skinny, can be as depressing as being chubby. Chubby is not bad, in my opinion. In fact, being chubby is the way to go. You'll look healthier than those paper thin people. It's not that I want to change, I like me. It's just that, today's shopping was so depressing. A big word, depressing is. But just to exaggerate. It probably was not that bad. I just really loved those dresses. I know you would have thought it was cute too (:

On another note, I can't seem to find shoes that I like at my size. I hate that too. I've been to almost 5 different Aldo's, you know, the shoe shop, but can't find my size. I've bought a wad of things here, but these are what I love. Maybe it's time for me to stop buying.

tonight will be the night that I will fall for you

I look fat and all, but it is not because I put on weight, because I did not, I was not ready for the picture.

So here you go, it's Canada. Not really, it's my brother and me (: We were both heading off to different parties, Peter's a more formal one than mine. That's the reason for his dressing.

And it snowed a whole lot on Sunday, Monday, Malaysian time. There were many accidents that I did not witness as I stayed in my room the whole day. All I had was a window that looks out to the road, but I only looked out twice. In other words, my cousin called me emo that day. I only stepped downstairs three times. I'm not proud of it or anything. I'm not ashamed of it either. hehe.

Meet Abu, the youngest among us cousins. Well cousins in the first generation, that is. It was obviously cold and don't ask me what he is holding or doing outside the house because I don't know. I was not there and I did not take this picture. ngehhh (:

His real name is Micheal, by the way.

Canada has not have a white Christmas for years and well, this pile of snow has been estimated to melt in the next seven days or something. It usually takes two to three days. Sometimes, it snows and the next day you wake up, you only see small spots. Yeah, the snow melts fast and while you may think that winter is cold cold cold and snow means freezing time, it does not naturally mean that. The sun comes out sometimes and it gets pretty warm. One day, you who haven't see snow, should go see snow. It's winter wonderland now (:

things would get better

No I won't give up,
No I won't break down,
Sooner than it seems life turns around.
And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong,
When I'm standing in the dark, I'll still believe,
That someone's watching over me.

Oh yeah, I love these lyrics, I think everyone should love it too. HAHA.

this time is the last time I will ever beg you to stay

Whenever I watch So You Think You Can Dance - Canada, well, I AM in Canada, they will not show Malaysian version, will they? I am so awed by their performance, I don't ever want to take my eyes off the television. Until the commercial starts, and can I say, commercials here are lame. Not lame as in childish lame, lame as is, well, if you know me well, you'll know I'm that kind of lame (:


So here's Miles, the one I've been rooting for. Actually, only for two weeks. He made it to the finals and basically, I did not like the other guy, Rico. So here's Miles. Looking oh-so-handsome. He's an awesome possum dancer, I cannot believe he did not win.

That Rico guy did, if you're wondering.

They were both against two other dancers, Natalie and Allie the ballerina that's really pretty and oh, I'm going over-board. So yeah. I like Miles.

But, when I first started watching this program, I rooted from Izaak. And I cannot seem to find a picture of him. But he has curly hair. That has nothing to do with voting for him. I just think he was the most innocent among all.

Definitely, in the end, I think Miles is awesome but Rico has to be better, somehow.

I do not even know why I am filling my blog with all this. UGH. I am getting TOO bored, I think you agree with that.

I'll taste every moment, and live it out loud

It's just a few days away from the new year (: Is that not great? Like what most people feel right now, I too feel as if the year has gone by so fast. Too fast, maybe.

I did not expect an awesome year this year. With the biggest piece of my heart missing, I dreaded school. I was afraid to go back to school. I sometimes felt like shedding a few tears just thinking about school. Obviously, I did not have a choice. School is school. I went to school on the first day just to find out that my friends still had an attitude towards me. Being that they were all together most of the end year holidays, they were really tight. I hated school more.

Also seeing my class, filled with people that I did not know at all, I freaked out. Yeah, I should be making new friends and all, but I felt awkward. So this Indian girl settled down next to me on that first day of school. For days and days, we only talked about things on the line. She'll ask me if I have done my homework, or if she could take a look at my book. Oh yeah, I definitely loathe school then.

But, I continued to try to fit in again. Not by being someone I did not know, just being myself. And now, see? See the friends I have made. That Indian girl that sat next to me, she turned out to be a great company. I thought about how others suffer more than me, and I? I should not ever be given a chance to pout. I am perfect to some people, who barely have anything left. I still had my family and other friends. I most importantly, had God with me.

He went everywhere with me, He did not let go of me. This whole year, my biggest thanks goes to HIM. Maybe next year will be hectic or frustrating. It will be busy and full of brand new challenges that everyone will struggle with. If He is putting you in this test, basically, you know you can do it.

Maybe over the year I have pulled myself back from so many things. I just need time to adjust through it all. Everything is different now, I do not have my human role model with me, I do not have my anchor to help me, I do not have my dad to encourage me anymore. I did not want to make a wrong move, so I pulled myself back. Now, I know I need to try. You will definitely have up's and down's in this place. That's the way it was set to be.

Christmas is just round the corner, I cannot wait. Celebrating Jesus' birthday, it is like celebrating my own.

forget yesterday

I was not gonna blog about this, but everyone must really wonder why my layout keeps changing. Basically, I have TOO much time, and I want to see which is the best (: If none fits, I'm sticking to my old one then !

Anyway...

Anyway. Nah, I have nothing to blog about. Forget it.

bella's lullaby

I am not a fan of Twilight. Twilight makes me freak out and not able to sleep until something good happens. That happens at 4 am. That's not good.

Even so, I still want to read all the books.

lucky

You know, peer pressure is not THAT bad.

I hope this irritates you more, Keith (:

Anyway. I'm like, SO into this picture. Don't ask me why, I'll question myself. And since MY Twilight book cover happens to be this picture, it's just awesome. I can look at it all the time.

My posts are becoming crazier by the minute, day and month. I have more posts this month than the days in December.

not just another negotiation

I don't know why, but suddenly, Jazz seems so hard for me. Maybe it was only this week, that every muscle was tight and my mind could not interpret simple moves. Though Laura was nice, saying I was doing well catching up, I KNOW that it was not good. Oh yeah, of course, it made me ask myself if I really did like dancing. If I was really good at it.

My answer?

Maybe my path is not Jazz but, I want to try it out. Maybe I can't perform, much more, interpret simple steps, I like dancing. I really do :D

ocean avenue

I think this cub looks NOTHING like me. Still, Joanne Too, my partner in crime, heheh, always thought it looks like me. Since the first day she saw me, back in 2005. She cut this picture, can you see the frames of her glasses? Yeah, she cut our picture and send it to me. Nothing like me, I believe.

take you time and appreciate

Do you know what it feels like, to walk up to a door of a poor family, handing over boxes and boxes of food to them? I know what that feels like.

You feel awfully happy, that you could help someone, someone that is unknown to you. And what more in this season, the Christmas season, if it were not for the volunteers, these people have nothing to celebrate.

I delivered food to two families. Here, a church has a food hamper program to help the poor families. My aunt is a volunteer, so she takes me along to help her out. In the garage of the church, we packed almost 5 boxes of food for each family. One family, a young lady with 4 kids, some still infants, lived in the back of a house. No phone there either. Her boyfriend left her recently, with 4 kids. So what if she did not look thankful? I just hope that she can survive to keep 5 people alive. Her daughter's birthday is tomorrow. So, we threw in a cake mix for her (:

The second family, was a Red Indian or something. She opened the door when we rang the doorbell and when I handed her a grocery gift card and some bus tickets, she looked as if she could not be happier. Even as we brought in the boxes, I could see that she was really really grateful. She has 3 children, the oldest, not even in his teens. I did not see a sign of a husband or a man that we all usually take as the anchor of the family.

It was not much that I did. I did not do anything, for that matter. I just rang doorbells and loaded the family with food. While packing the food, my aunt could not resist throwing in extras from the list. When she handed me the second list, neither could I help but do the same. It's Christmas and well, I guess they got the amount that they needed. I would have, thrown in more, if I could. But there were more families to deliver to, not just those two.

Have YOU done a good deed for Christmas?

I have. And it brought me joy all over.

you can have whatever you like

This is,
the best time of my life.
Why?
I don't know.

I just wanted to type out that sentence.

:D

I am SO nuts,
I know.

so in love with you

See that big smile I have? Well, I can't do that anymore. It's so dry here, my lips are cracked, just spreading out the corners my lips hurts. Every morning, every night, I stand in front of the mirror, I have to brush my teeth, it's not that I'm vain, and I try to smile, but I cringed at the pain. It's crazy. I woke up this morning, and for the second time, I find a spot with dry blood on my lips. Basically, it means that I've stretched my lips too much, causing it to bleed. Of course, I use lip balm, to moisten it all up. Sometime, I guess you just can't depend on it. I want to smile big again.

Can you imagine me in make-up? Well, obviously, people who have seen my do performances have seen me in make-up, but you, people that have never seen me in make-up. Can you imagine? Again, it's so dry here, and also cold, it makes my lips so red. It looks like lipstick. In a very gorgeous shade (: If I do step out in the wind, the cold wind, I'll have red cheeks too ! On web cam, I've been asked a few times if I were wearing make-up. I'm not, obviously. I don't like make-up. Makes your face feel weird.

And all this, it'll just change as I head back home next year, into a climate that never changes. Everyday has a different temperature, and you're never sure if it'll be cold or warm. Of course, there is the news, but it's not all the time that they're 100% right. Living in a country where the climate is the same 24/7, 365 days, it's not easy to settle down somewhere where the climate is always changing.

My point is? My lips are cracking and I want it to stop, as it hurts. I want to smile big again, without any pain. I don't want to look like I'm wearing make-up, even though people say I look nice. I want to be the fair one, like I've always been, not to mention I live under the sun everyday. I'm different when it comes to skin colour (: I want to be me again.

we're the kids of the future

First of all, this thing sucks. I can't un-italicize the statements that I don't want to be italicize. So, please refer to the purple notes and if the notes happened to be both italicize and bold, I actually only want it to be bold.

Instructions

Bold the statements that are true to you
Italicize the statements that you wish were true.
Leave the fibs alone.

Stab 5 people to do the same test


I’m 170cm++ tall.
I don’t know what I want at the moment.
I’m not happy.
I hate my friends.
I hate my life.
I hate my grades.
He drives.
I’m bored of driving.
I have a white handbag.

I love dancing.
I go clubbing every week.
Shopping is bullshit.
I have a tattoo of a star !
I got my navel pierced.
I have friends that take drugs.
90% of my friends smoke.
I still hang out with my ex, even though our break up is rather nasty.

I am studying fashion.
I have a business running.
I hate cartoons.

I love chick flicks.

I hate someone.

I'm going out at least three times this week.
I have 10 Guess handbags.

I love my sister.
I buy CLEO every month.
My parents don’t know about my blog.
I have an iPod.
I don’t have faith in the current “one”.
My school mates know about my blog.
I wanted to be a fashion designer.

I love rock emo bands.
I hate it when people cancel last minute meet ups.
I’m a rebel.
I’m starting to ♥ wearing dresses.
I don’t believe in love.
High school’s filled with drama.
My parents have faith in me.
A blogger bitched about me before.

I have bought a pair of shoes this month.
I hate sports.
I heart Italian food.
I hate meeting new people.
I hate nail polish.
The mother bear gives me hugs.
People should start appreciating me.
High school was the worst time of my life.
I have red hair.
Mid Valley is my second home.

I have my own car.
I’m a guy.
I’m scared of my Biology exam.
I hate vacations.
We’ll last.
I believe in long distance relationships.
I’m going to get high and smoke weed one day soon.
I’ve robbed an old lady.
I’m starting to like applying make-up.
I was a tomboy.
At times I think I still am a tomboy.
I love bitching about people behind their backs.
I still have a best friend.
I have a cat.
I hate surprise parties.
I hate planning parties.
I’m hot. (xD)
I’m a sinner.

I like attention.
I’ve got a DS light.
I have a Wii.

I cannot live without music
Video games are a waste of time.
I miss the father bear.
I love being in love.
I know how to cook.
I have 100% freedom.
Boys are assholes.
I hate Math.

I love my brother.

I love horror films.
I’m happy with what I have.
I slept in my parents’ room for 3 days after watching Scream when I was a kid.
My old friends keep in touch with me.
I don’t read newspapers.
The news is such a waste of time.
Blogging is a waste of time.
I hate animals.

I've traveled to over 6 different countries.
I can’t live without make-up.

I'm satisfied.
I curse like a pirate.
I’m happy with my 11 year old car.
I hate people that are smart.
I love GREEN Apple Juice.
I can’t drink for nuts.
I’ve got a new phone.
I’m going to get a new pair of shoes by the end of this month.

I love swimming.
I haven’t worked out since March.
I think I’m fat.
I love my friends and family.


Stabbing
- Michy
- Keith
- Ivan
- Tammy
- Jasmine