my heart won't let you go

I miss my dad. And I'm pretty sure a whole lot of people do as well. Somehow, I know, and everyone knows, that my dad had touched so many people's lives. He left a scar on everyone hearts when he left.

So, as Christmas approaches, I remember my dad again. In no time, it will be his birthday too. It's been a year already and here it's the second time we're all spending Christmas without him. All I can say is, my dad was meant to live on a year longer.

I merely remember my last year in primary school. It happened to be the school's 25th anniversary. I participated in a Chinese dance, to perform on the night of the dinner. After long practices, I realized that, the date of the dinner was on the 13th of November, my grandfather's birthday. It was not my fault that I could not make it, the school had changed the dates at the very last minute. The teacher, my dance teacher, did not allow me to quit the team as they did not have enough time to find a replacement. Somehow, my mother managed to pull me out, and entirely, I was really upset. I wanted to be in the dance, but for the family, for my grandfather, I had to stop. My mother had explained to my teacher about my dad's illness and told her that it possibly was the last time that we would all be able to have a birthday dinner for my grandfather as a family. The teacher excused me immediately.

The very next year, on the 13th of November was the last time I talked to my dad. I remember our conversation had not been long and if I could reverse time, I would have, sat by the doorway or anything, just to talk to him and having him to reply me.

So we did get to spend my grandfather's birthday as a family, just not on the exact date. The demise of my dad tore every one's hearts, mine included.

For days, I tried to keep close to my mum, knowing that she was heartbroken to the core and while she had to deal a number of things, she really did not want to do all that.

During those days, my sister was having her SPM, the biggest test ever for graduates of high school. Everyone was worried for her. My godmother, being a headmistress of a high school, was the first to take her away and talk to her. She had told my sister that she could skip the tests and make it look like she was absent. My sister was strong, I really believe that, she went through to finish all her exams. Her results, had enough credit to let her follow up her studies.

My sister graduated from her course last week. It was a big milestone in her life, and my mother took the day off just to be there to see my sister. My dad couldn't be there, and he won't be there for the bigger steps in our lives.


I know my sister was happy, and my mum had to be really proud to see my sister up there. I wish I could have been there too. But look, they look happy. In their hearts, it must have scarred them a little that my dad was not there.

During my dad's birthday this year, we visited him. Later, we went on to Secret Recipe, and my mum bought the three of us each a piece of cake, to celebrate my dad's birthday. Ironic, I know. But as a memory.



I know that my mum really miss him. Imagine having the other half of you taken away from you. She found the love of her life, and even before she get to live her life to the fullest, she lost her other half. She lost her hope, joy and support. She lost her love of her life.

I don't blame God for all this, because I know that everything happens for a reason. I do not know what is the exact reason that God took my dad away, but as my life goes on, I will find out and if God had not taken my dad away, all that will not happen. HE has a plan, and it is for our good. HIS plans for us are not to harm us.

As my dad has said a million times before, when he was at the edge, he told us to grieve, but grieve for awhile. We have lives to live on and all this, should not affect us.

I believe that my brother has grown over this time. Not just physically, but mentally and spiritually. He has learned that he is now, the protector of us all, as he is the man of the house. I know my brother did not like the fact that everyone kept telling him the same thing again at one point, but sooner or later, it hit him and he now constantly looks after all of us.

Now, my whole family will be in Canada in no time. We'll be celebrating, yet another Christmas without my dad. I know that my mum needed a break last year, so as a family, we went to Singapore. We visited Singapore and met up with my aunt. This year, we needed a family too, and all of us have been called to come down to Canada, to be with my mum's family, her other two sisters and my cousins. It's been awhile since we saw them all, and it's a good reunion.

We just need my dad to make it complete.

Even without you daddy, we'll be celebrating Christmas. It's not about the trees, it's about Jesus' birth. You've told us that plenty of times, and I do not intend to forget it.

As a tradition, every family puts up a tree for Christmas. My dad did not like it because it distracts us from the true meaning of Christmas. It's been a very long while that we've ever put up a tree. When my family moved in to a new house, we threw the tree away.

When I arrived in Canada, I helped my aunt set up her Christmas tree. It was different and it reminded me that Christmas trees do not mean a thing during Christmas.

It was one tough year for me, I had to struggle to get back on track, to set my priorities right. I needed to brush up my studies, I needed to look forward. I made through. And I'm happy I did.

My mum has always said that my dad will be in each of our hearts, that my dad has never left our hearts. He is still here, and he will always be here. I've written letters to my dad, knowing it won't reach him, but knowing that he was reading it over my shoulder as I wrote them.

Recently, just before leaving for Canada, I visited my dad together with my aunt and uncle. My eyes caught a sight of three small mushrooms blooming right on top of where my father lay.

I could not help but voice out what I had just saw. My mum told me that those mushrooms represent us three children, May, Peter and Serena. Ironic, I know. But thinking about it, it's somehow pretty cool that only three mushrooms grew, not one or two. On other lands, there were no mushrooms. Just this one, where my dad was.

This Christmas season, I'll be remembering my dad, together with a whole lot of other people that has not seen my dad for a long time. So they happen to be my mum's family and relatives, but it didn't matter, my dad touched every one's heart. From the lowest of the people, to the highest. In the hospital, he was friends with everyone, not just another patient. The doctors, the nurses and even the maids. They looked at him in a different way. I could not believe the number of people my dad had made a reason in their lives. No one will forget him, I really hope so. I know I won't be forgetting him throughout my whole life.

I miss you, daddy.